Poem from 11th grade, written to the one who has been lost and in pain

Can you understand the feeling?

Of having nothing to live for,

but a dream, a hope

To fly, to soar,

but eventually crash

To crash is a dream too.

There is no way to describe how I feel

When my heart gets ripped out of my chest

I wake up,

and realize it is just a dream

Never to happen

Never to be you with me

Never to be all of us

Blast it, headphones, blast it

Just to remember

Just to forget

Play my life away

While you sing me a song,

on the telephone

And to cry

To cry ones-self asleep

Just to dream of soaring,

Just to dream of crashing,

Just to be happy forever

But to eventually wake up

Completely void of motivation

You thought I was helpless back then...



















You should see me today

I fucked up

Why can't it be like it was back in September?



I was so damn happy, I thought that I'd be happy for eternity.






I guess good things never last for me.













What do I always do wrong?

Valentine's Day

Happy Singles Awareness Day



Fuck this Hallmark holiday.


Peaceout

Free Write

For my 3rd hour creative writing class. Was due on Friday Feb 1st, 2008.

      The bustle of a crowd along the much-traveled carpet. The scent of neutrality that is brought when plastics and perfumes, ties and t-shirts, cats and carpeting, tickets and toilet training 3-year-olds, all mingle in the same area, all in the same, dense, stress filled bucket of disgusting air. This is my every weekend, my escape to the extraordinary. This is my home, my home away from home, my finger and my footprints, the only thing I know for 2 hours waiting to get there and a short, slow walk to get out, and get back to the normality of my everyday. Escape, this is my escape to the deep, low, pounding feeling that I expect before my ascent toward the charming, yet so false life that awaits me upon the screech of tire and air against the pavement.
      "May I see your I.D.?"
      "Huh? Oh yea...sure," I say when I realize that somebody is talking to me as I stand in front of a shining screen, apparently done with my check-in. I rummage through my purse and pull out that God forsaken, government issued, nation identification. The tapping of the lady's shoe pounds in my head like an offbeat heart until I finally hand her the item that she had requested from me with such haste and disregard.
      "Alright then, here are your tickets and baggage claim studs. Gate 10," says the lady. I am again enveloped in the blurry bustle of the crowd. The cold and mindless stares of adults attempting to escape from their lies, just as I had attempted to escape so many times before, they are are clad in diaper bags and little hands, never again able to escape this way. The little arms cling to legs, the little bodies sleep in plush, and the little mouths cry lime the devil had asked them to punish themselves for throwing their carrots on the floor.
      I'm not a terrorist, but you believe I am, you put men and women to search in canvas, leather, plastics, skin and care seat. I stare into the abyss of a man who doesn't care anymore, who tells me to step through that void into the surreal, and doesn't take a second look at me. I am dangerous, I promise, check me. Freckled, hazel eyes beg him, but he just moves on to the next person waiting to escape, unaware of any danger that might be posed by this petite, Hollister clad, senior in high school.
      The reason why I am dangerous? Simply, I'm a danger to myself I put myself through the motions every weekend, every walk to the counter, every ticket, every inch of myself being rejected for inspection of the threats I could pose. Yet, they do not see it, no matter how many times they check me. They do not see this ticket is why I am so dangerous, this escape is a danger to me. I am a liar, I am a thief of my own person. Stolen, every inc h my sanity has been stolen in the take offs, the beer fart seats, the repetition of wails and pee breaks, the landings when I finally arrive at this place where I live a second life.
      Maybe if I stay this time, no longer taking off and landing, I could rebuild myself.

Vote

Don't forget to vote.
It's the most important thing you can do for your country.

Writings

This is a compilation of writings I found in my old Freshman English notebook.

Lemme Go (11/30/04)

I prepare for departure:
      Seatbelt fasioned
     The way they showed up
           'Cause they think we're incompetent
     They are just doing their job
           ...I guess
My head starts racing
     We have stared moving
           I'm not scared of airplanes
           Or even height
     We get farther away from home
           This is the fact that scares me
           Where is my home town?
     Hometown staying behind
           I guess it's me that's moving
I hear the engines roar
     The plane gets faster
     We take off
           My head spins
           "No, don't make me leave"
     I say it all in my head
I am up in the air
     Getting farther away
           "Don't make me leave.."
     A silent, hidden thought
I remember this morning
     Kissing the house I grew up in
           "Good bye"
      Family memories left behind
           "lemme go back home.."
     Last time that house will be seen
           by my eyes at least
I had tears running down my face
           In my mind
     Like they were this morning?
           ...Yes
My ears pop and I look out
     Looking out a tiny little window
     Farther away from home
           "What will happen now?"
I'm scared
     Sailing in the sky
           I'm away from who I used to be
I now question if this is a good thing

Untitled (April 2005)

My life is a little too slow for my tastes. [But I guess it's for my own good.] I always wanted to grow up, so I can be who I wanna be. Yet, there are steps along the way that are such great fun and such enormous experiences that I'm glad I didn't miss them; I will admit that. Somethings though, I just wish I could leave behind. The pain of moving, or the death of a friend (we'll forever remember) I want to leave behind the things that make me cry. 'Cause brick-walled, cold corners eventually become unbearable. I just can't turn cold-shoulder and pretend it's not there. Who else will bring the sun-light to these corners but me?

Untitled (April 2005)

I am the empty seats next to you int he cafeteria
           -longing to be filled
I am the brick wall in the dark downtown alley
           -so cold here all alone
I am the last leaf on the autumn tree
           -alone and hanging on for my life
I am happy but I am tired

Untitled (April 2005)

I pray within this ice cold room
"God save me from my tears"
I save the canister of my sleepless nights
To prove to him they're here

I lose myself in the lyrics
That ring inside my head
They save me from the perils of life
From my rope that is only a thread

I'll wait inside my own little mountain
Snow capped as it may be
I'm warm inside myself
Because I know I'll soon be free

Not a Plastic Relationship (May 2005)

Don't you play with me
I'm not a Barbie doll
     Perfect body, everything
     A doll I used to look up to
     Such a horrible role model
     For a little girl
I'm stronger than that
     I chose what I want to do
     You can't make me do anything
           I gave up looking up to Barbie
           So long ago
           And plastic breaks so easy

Taylor Swift

The song is all I can relate with lately.


" Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see."
-Taylor Swift "Teardrops On My Guitar"

Reserved for the last 3 days of Japan.

Haven't had the time to do all the blogging with finals this week..

Japan days 8 and 9 (Chiba!)

So.. I went to Chiba for highschool for two days with my friends Shinobu and Misato...I'll update later with more about the days...but for now, PICTURES




:D

Japan days 5-7

Update later....Just reserving the spot right now :P

Japan (Days 3+4)

Akihabara and DisneySea!

I'll update this post later with information about what we did each day. But for now, here are some pictures:



:D

Japan day 1-2

I'm going to switch to Japan time now. We (me and Patrick) left LAX on January3rd (2:45am JP time) and arrived at Tokyo-Narita airport at 2:45pm. I'll update this post with more about January 3rd and 4th later, but for now I'm just going to post a slideshow of pictures I took in those first 2 days:



And here is a weird video I saw on a TV in a very big tower I went in:

undefined In Japan!

..

Add to My Profile | More Videos

So, we are leaving in about an hour from Vegas, and it was a fucking AWESOME trip. I took some pictures, but I'll upload them later (probably when we all get back to California tonight.) This is pretty much what happened this weekend (I will update this post with pictures later, when I have them!):

Friday, Dec28th 2007 (PATS BIRTHDAY):
I was supposed to fly out at 1215pm from Madison, but we got delayed until 115. It wasn't really that bad. I flew into Minneapolis and found out Ian (pronounced Yan) was taking the same plane as me to Vegas. I'd never met him before, but I knew him from World of Warcraft (he is Ragtimer), and he was going to the same place as me. It was pretty funny that we happened to have the same flight.
We got into Vegas at about 6 and then we went out to eat at Firefly, but we ate at their "sister" restaurant called Dragonfly since Firefly was full of people already and we were going to be bringing in about 50+. They still let us order the Firefly food though, and thats a good thing because it was fucking awesome food. They would bring out a lot of little plates of food. The plates would just have a couple bites of food on them, but we got a lot. Pat ordered rounds for everyone and he even got a small cake at the end of the night for his birthday.

Saturday, Dec 29th 2007:
We went out to Mizuno's at night on this day. Mizuno's is a Japanese hibachi restaruant and was really fucking awesome. Our chef was kind of dull and didn't do many tricks, so I was halfway disappointed. Lots of pictures to come.
After Mizuno's we went to "O," which is a Cirque Du Soliel (Sp?) show. Pat gave up his ticket so one of his other friends could go see the show, since Pat had already seen the show. Everyone was pretty bummed he didn't go, but he was just being the nice guy he is. "O" is a water show where the actors would do amazing stunts in the water, like: jumping into the water from really high places, appear from under the water even though you didn't see them go in, etc.

Sunday, Dec 30th 2007:
In the morning on this day we went to the mall, Spice Market at Planet Hollywood, and the Fashion Show Mall.
Spice Market is a buffet in Planet Hollywood hotel and casino, with really kickass food. They have different sections you can go to like American, Mid-Eastern, Mexican, Dessert, Asian and Seafood. Pictures of food to come.
I needed a pair of heels to wear with my dress for the next day, and some of the other people just wanted to shop for clothes, so we went to the Fashion Show Mall. On the way to the Fashion Show Mall we picked up Joe's (Tzingtao) winnings from the night before ($169) Picture to come! Once we got to the mall, Tim (Garrot), helped me pick out some really cute heels from Macy's. We even got a good deal on them, they were only 29 dollars. :P
At night on that day, everyone else went to the club (Tao) and I stayed back with Nooner and Jack. We went to eat at a buffet in Caeser's Palace at 9pm and then we got back to the hotel and I passed out on my bed. :P

Monday, Dec 31st 2007:
In the morning at 9am I went to the spa in our hotel. Going to the spa was my Christmas present from Patrick and it was really fun. I got a hot stone full body massage first (they take hot stones and massage your body with them, then they take their hands and go back over the spot they just used hot stones on). After that I got a hydrating facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. I got back to the hotel room at 1pm.
At 2pm we were supposed to start "Around the World" (drinking all the different drinks each room was supposed to make), but since so many people still felt like shit from drinking at the club the night before, we waited until 4pm to start. I fell asleep for a while after that and at 1015 I woke up and changed into my dress and heels. We took group pictures (soon to come).
After that some of us went down the street to eat at a Cafe and we got back in time for the New Year. We all went out on my room's balcony and counted down until the New Year, we went watched the hotels light fireworks off their roofs. The fireworks went on for quite a long time and the air was full of smoke and color. I stayed up and talked to Ian while everyone else went out gambling or back to their rooms. We both finally passed out on separate sides of the couch.

Tuesday, January 1st 2008:
We woke up, packed, and are now waiting for our bus to get here. It was supposed to be here at 10am, but because of some miscommunication the driver didn't think he had to be here until 2pm. It's time to leave the room, and get onto the bus.
Slide show of the trip (sorry there are 3, I can't seem to get rid of the others...)